fic, Harry Potter, And Then The Dark Lord Went Blam

[mousapelli]

Title: And Then The Dark Lord Went Blam
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for exploding lubricant.
Summary:I think the title says it all, really.
AN: This is the most musesfool's fault that anything in the history of things being musesfool's fault has ever been. Our brains are swollen with ass tea.

And Then The Dark Lord Went Blam

Harry Potter, the Trophy Concubine Who Lived, staggered out of the Dark Lord's chamber covered in ichor. The sound of a rather wet explosion had brought several key minions of Voldemort running.

Remus Lupin, Lapwerewolf to the Throne, was first on the scene, and caught Harry just before he tumbled to the ground, barely even thinking about how these stains were never going to come out of his leather trousers. Good thing he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Harry, what's happened?" he demanded, shaking the boy's shoulders. Harry was wearing a dazed expression.

"I have no idea," he murmured, eyes glassy. "He was putting on the lube, and he murmured the usual sensory enhancement charm, and then…BLAM!" Harry fluttered a hand helplessly.

"Blam?" Severus Snape, Official Brewer of Lubricant and Other Necessaries, appeared at Remus' shoulder, cape snapping dramatically. Glancing back at it in irritation, Snape barked a Finite Incantatum to end the Dramatic Wind Charm Voldemort insisted on having blowing down the corridor at all times. "Now, what's all this about the Dark Lord going blam?"

"Lube," Harry offered weakly, raising a hand to his brow and smearing the ichor around. "Charm…blam."

"Blam?" Lucius Malfoy, Head Minion and Nefarious Activities Coordinator, came pelting down the hall. After a horrified look at Harry, Lucius threw open the chamber door and shrieked. "My Lord!"

"Excellent!" Snape's eyes glittered in triumph. "My latest lubricant was a complete success!"

"You did this, Severus?" Remus asked. Harry gave a weak moan, and Remus patted his back soothingly. Really, these trousers were so ruined.

"I brewed it specifically for the Dark Lord," Snape announced. "Merlin knows I agree with him about the Mudbloods, but he was slashing my ingredients budget. Something had to be done."

"But I don't understand." Harry gave a watery hiccup. "You gave that tube to him last week!"

"The ingredients are extremely volatile," Snape informed them. "They can only be mixed in tiny amounts, reducing the chance of a successful combustion. Still, when combined with the charm that our Lord preferred, the lubricant had a thousand-to-one chance of igniting."

"A thousand to one!" Lucius wailed. "There's no way he could beat those odds!"

The End [blam]

Comments

[musesfool.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

GIVE MY ASS TEA!

BLAM!

*is dead of the funny*

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

Remus Lupin, in whose name the Dark Lord had every cardigan in Britain Banished to the South Pole to be nested in by penguins.

maybe if you're lucky, this will start a whole trend of explodinglube!fic. It might become the new wingfic.

[blam]

[laylah.livejournal.com]

*giddy* You are insane.
...and this is the first HP fic I've read in months, and I can't stop giggling. Yay!

[blam!]

[musesfool.livejournal.com]

Woo! Banish those cardigans! We hates them, precious.

[blam]

[gmth.livejournal.com]

*giggles insanely* I love their titles, especially.

[dementedsiren.livejournal.com]

Far too amused to be coherent. Want to do naughty things to you and musesfool both. Instead, will laugh uproariously.

*laughs*

[dementedsiren.livejournal.com]

Because, you know, the thing I get off on the most is sexing up Unknown LJ Users Whose Names are Bad. Tres kinky, oh yes.

But I think I'd rather do something naughty to musesfool in this case because she inspired the crack.

[instantramen]

*can't eat her pizza for all the giggling*

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

because you have so much room to talk about fandom crack *giggles*

haha, thanks! One minute we were talking about how there isn't enough spontaneous combustion in fic, and the next thing i knew...

[blam]

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

bwaha, me too! S'one of the perks of being a Death Eater, you get to pick your own title.

thanks!

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

Bad Username, bad! *cracks whip* you've been such a naughty username...

haha, Victoria completely deserves any resulting naughtiness, this was all because of her and her desire for more spontaneous combustion in fics.

thanks! *g*

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

*g* that was the goal all along.

[blam]

[instantramen]

You are wicked and cruel and I shall die of starvation! Or perhaps dehydration! Or both!

[blam]

[fantomeq.livejournal.com]

This is truly the end to HP 7. *Loves, dies*

[pre-raphaelite1.livejournal.com]

Here on rec from musesfool. And god, this is hysterical. Bloody good thing I didn't have my tea yet or it would have been across my moniter. The story itself is great, but their titles... and Really, these trousers were so ruined. *laughs more*

There must be an icon made with "Lube...Charm...blam." "Blam?" "Blam!" *dies laughing*

[phoenixw.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahaha!

Darn good thing he was, erm, disengaged at the time. That could have been very unpleasant for the Trophy Concubine Who Lived.

And leathertrousers!Lupin! Hah!

What's really perversely funny is that at first glance your icon resembled a tampon. Exploding!tampon!

Or...not.

[mattador.livejournal.com]

Just goes to show that you should never mess with your personal pharmacist.

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

wouldn't that be fabulous? *giggles*

thanks!

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

haha, thanks! Just because one turns into a slavering beast once a month is really no reason to destroy one's wardrobe needlessly.

There must be an icon made with "Lube...Charm...blam." "Blam?" "Blam!"
i think one could do a perfectly good animated one that resembled an [Adult Swim] bump.

Dear [Adult Swim]: Lube..Charm...blam." -TrophyConcubine419

TrophyConcubine419: Blam? -[Adult Swim]

[Adult Swim]: Blam! -TrophyConcubine419

[blam]

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

Darn good thing he was, erm, disengaged at the time.
HAHAHAHA! "Please disengage concubines before using".

Thank you! Lupin in leather is a big button-pusher for me as well.

Exploding!tampon!
er, right then. carry on.

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

haha, no indeed. All purveyors of topic ointments should be respected at all times.

*g* and i like your icon.

[pre-raphaelite1.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Exactly! Now if only I were talented in the animated icon making department.

Just because one turns into a slavering beast once a month is really no reason to destroy one's wardrobe needlessly. Isn't that the truth. *snorts*

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

you mean like this?

*has way too much fun with the icons today*

[pre-raphaelite1.livejournal.com]

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Okay my husband just came running in at the squeal. *fidgets in guilt, still snorting with laughter, until the husband leaves again*

Yes, exactly like that! You are bloody brilliant! *pauses in impish thought* But what comes next? What gushes of brilliance can follow exploding lube? What kind of hysteria can be thrust upon your readers in the wake of Dark Lord ichor? *raises an eyebrow in mock challenge*

[st-aurafina.livejournal.com]

*goes BLAM! with laughing*
Oh, my. The Trophy Concubine Who Lived? Brilliant!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*capers and FREAKS* Eee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!!

[nolivingman.livejournal.com]

*can't breathe for laughing*

That was brilliant fun.

[alexandralynch.livejournal.com]

Oh, my god, my stomach hurts from laughing...blam! Oh, wonderful, perfect sendup of all the concubine fics...loved it....(still laughing....)

[mattador.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Made by, um, *checks* contessa_art, that's it.

Yours is quite amusing as well.

[istalksnape.livejournal.com]

that made my day so much. omg. just blam!

<3

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

*g* thanks!

Harry's good for something anyways.

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

i thought you might enjoy this...

...shades of your Smutmas fic, right?

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

*g* thank you! like I said, completely musesfool's fault.

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I always enjoy a good crackfic.

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

*g* glad to hear it! Thanks!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Oh, it is, it is! "Lapwerewolf to the throne"! *capers some more!*

[wtfbrain.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! Alas, poor Lupin's ruined trousers. Something must be done about that...

[blam]

[aetas-lupus.livejournal.com]

My day is also made. *still laughing her ass off a few minutes later*

[caedesdeo.livejournal.com]

You made that into an icon? Do you still have the icon?!!
*worships*

My sides hurt from not laughing. Must not laugh in uni library, must be strong! *splorfling like mad*

[mousapelli.livejournal.com]

yup and yup.



*g*

[caedesdeo.livejournal.com]

Thankyouthankyouthankyou!
*hugs*

[ryunosuka.livejournal.com]

One ordinary day, eating an ordinary packet of fritos drenched in lemon curd and whiskey...

BLAM!

*cough hack cough hack bleh dies*

The end.

It was fabulous. Poor trousers. I'll send a new pair to him. *angst*