mousapelli: (hopelessly deadlocked)
[personal profile] mousapelli
SO YESTERDAY. [livejournal.com profile] darkeyedwolf made me watch all the Arashi PVS, and then sent me a link to test my identification skills which PURPORTEDLY had Arashi pictures, but when i scrolled down a few pictures and said "that one there is Jun right?" she was like "AHAHAAHAH THAT'S TEGO FROM NEWS."

So I wrote fic where Aiba feels my pain.

Title: Tego Is Not In This Picture [Jun/Aiba]
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for hysterical boyband members.
Summary: Aiba insists that this is NOT JUN.
AN: [livejournal.com profile] darkeyedwolf, I hate you. A lot. as much as Ohno hates Nino.


Tego Is Not In This Picture

Aiba noticed that something was wrong first thing in the morning, when Jun's alarm went off and Aiba rolled over for his usual first-thing-in-the-morning grope from his half-asleep-yet-still-hot-like-burning J-boyfriend, Matsumoto Jun.

And then screamed like a sissy girl because the person in bed with him was not Matsumoto Jun at all, but…Tegoshi Yuya from NewS?

"Morning?" the interloper slurred, cracking one eye open and looking Aiba over, and Aiba screamed again, clutched the sheet to his chest, and locked himself in the bathroom.

******

Okay, Aiba told himself while he stood under the hot spray of the shower and tried to pull himself together. There was absolutely no way that he had actually just woken up in bed with Tego from NewS. That was ridiculous.

"Ridiculous," he said while he was washing the shampoo out of his hair, because it had definitely been Jun that he'd gone to bed with, in Jun's bed. And it had definitely been Jun that had woke him up at three in the morning to 'punish' him for stealing blankets.

"Ridiculous," he repeated while wiping the steam off the mirror and examining his complexion, because he had been working really hard lately, and he'd been reading the Myojo last night with NewS on the cover, and that explained everything.

Everything except why a naked Tego from NewS was yawning and scratching his chest in Jun's bed when Aiba opened the bathroom door.

"Ridiculous," he whimpered.

*******

"Captain," Aiba pled in a panicked whisper, "I need to talk to you right now."

"Hmm?" Ohno blinked a few times, because it was first thing in the morning and because he was Ohno, before reaching up to pat Aiba's hair. "Aiba! Hello, Aiba."

"In private," Aiba insisted, dragging Ohno a few feet away from the others and glancing over his shoulder a lot. When they were half-hidden by a camera rig, Aiba said, "Have you seen Jun?"

"Jun?" Ohno blinked a little more and looked over Aiba's shoulder. "He's right there, Aiba-chan. HI JU—"

"Shh!" Aiba hissed, slapping a hand over Ohno's mouth. "That's not Jun!"

"Naa Uun?" Ohno asked around Aiba's hand.

"No!" Aiba valiantly fought off the way his lower lip wanted to tremble. "It's Tego from NewS!"

"Ut," Ohno reached up and peeled Aiba's long fingers back, "but it has to be Jun because he came in with you, right?"

"Yes, but…" Aiba protested.

"And Aiba went home with Jun last night, right?" Ohno continued, then patted Aiba again as if everything was fixed. "Then that must be Jun!"

"But it's Tego from NewS!" Aiba wailed. "Just look at him!"

Aiba and Ohno turned to stare at Tego. After a second, Tego noticed them and yelled "GOOD MORNING!" with a big smile.

"See?" Aiba pled. Ohno was staring at Tego with his "I'm concentrating" expression, and Aiba felt a moment of hope, but then Ohno burst into laughter.

"Good one, Aiba-chan!" he howled, thumping Aiba on the back. Aiba's jaw dropped as he watched Ohno stride away, still laughing. "Hey, Nino, Aiba just played the best trick on me!"

******

"Sho, you'll help me out right?" Aiba said, trying not to look half as pathetic as he felt.

Sho looked dubious.

"Because that is TEGO." Aiba pointed at the not-boyfriend, who was standing next to the lunch table and flicking grapes at Ohno and pretending Nino was doing it. "From NEWS."

"Aiba-kun." Sho stepped closer and pressed his palms against Aiba's cheeks, holding his face still for inspection. "Are you feeling all right? You didn't look so good during the shoot."

"That's because Tego kept touching me," Aiba insisted, words a little slurred with Sho pressing his cheeks in. "Like Jun! Only he's not Jun, he's TEGO."

"You feel a little warm," Sho clucked. "Did you have breakfast? You have to eat something for lunch, come on."

"Sho, listen to me!" Aiba yanked his face away and curled his hands into frustrated fists. "Are you telling me that when you look over there, you actually see Jun?"

"Of course I do." Sho flicked the barest of glances to the side; now not-Jun was picking all the dried plums out of his salad.

"He's picking out the plums!" Aiba shouted, distantly recognizing that he was a tiny bit hysterical. "Jun loves plums, and I know that because I am his boyfriend, and that is NOT my boyfriend, ERGO that is NOT JUN."

"You just sit right down," Sho pushed Aiba down into a convenient makeup chair by the shoulders. "I'll bring you some juice."

******

"Nino, please," Aiba wasn't even bothering to fight the lip wibble at this point, since that was the least of his problems, "I'm really not kidding!"

"Ohno told me about it already," Nino gave Aiba a bemused smile, "so you won't get me with the same trick, Aiba-chan."

"IT'S NOT A…" Aiba took a deep breath and resisted the urge to beat on the headshot computers in frustration. "It's not a trick. Here, just look at these."

Aiba held up two pages ripped from magazine's he'd found laying around the dressing room. One was of Jun, the shoot with the stripy shirt and the skinny black tie, and the other was the hot pink NewS spread that Aiba had been reading about yesterday, before the whole world had gone cuckoo-bananas.

"Now concentrate. Which one is Jun?"

"This one, Aiba." Nino patiently pointed to the tie-shirt-skinny-tie shot and Aiba breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes! Now," Aiba moved out of way so Nino could look over the bank of monitors at Tego, who was having his solo shots done, "which one of these," Aiba shook the magazine pages a little, "is out there?"

"Aiba-chan," Nino reached up to grab Aiba's hands and tug them down, "you've been working very hard. Did you and Jun have a fight?"

"If Jun and I were fighting," Aiba said desperately, feeling as lonely as a j-idol could possibly feel, "he'd be here."

"There, there, Ai-chan." Nino hugged Aiba, rubbing soothing circles on Aiba's back, and Aiba burst into tears.

******

"Look, I'm begging you," Aiba said to the entire group, wringing his hands. "Just, please, take a long look, because that is not Jun. He picks out the plums from his salad and likes Ohno's new pullover and hasn't tried to stick his hands in my back pockets all day!"

"They're having a fight," Nino stage-whispered to everyone else.

"What's wrong with my pullover?" Ohno demanded.

"AND," Aiba pointed a finger right at the imposter, "he's not nearly GAY ENOUGH."

Everyone turned to Tego; Tego tossed his hair a little and twiddled two of his fingers in a little wave.

"Aiba-chan," Sho said as they turned back to their bandmate, who was on the verge of a hysterical breakdown, "we're going to send you home to rest, okay?"

"No really," Ohno said, "it's a great pullover!"

******

"I'll do everything backwards!" Aiba said when he was alone in his apartment. "Everything I did this morning, I'll do in reverse, and that'll fix everything."

So Aiba took off all his clothes in reverse, shirt then jeans then underwear then socks, then he walked backwards into his bathroom and climbed in the shower, where he conditioned then shampooed his hair, then repeated and rinsed.

Then Aiba shuffled backwards into his bedroom, flopped onto his bed, and pulled the blankets over his head.

He was just starting fret about whether going to sleep backwards meant he had to fall awake, when he realized that Sho must have slipped something into his dri—

******

"Aiba! Aiba-chan!"

Aiba peeled open his eyes and saw Tego, then squeezed his eyes shut and SCREAMED.

"FUCK!" Aiba heard, and then suddenly there was a noise like glossy paper being ripped off skin, and Aiba opened his eyes to find Jun with one hand pressed against his ear, and the other holding up the issue of Myojo with the pink spread of NewS that had apparently been stuck to Aiba's face.

"Jun!" Aiba shrieked, making Jun curse again, then leapt forward to tackle Jun so hard they tumbled off the bed in a heap of limbs and blankets.

"What the hell?" Jun demanded, shoving at Aiba's shoulders, but Aiba had his arms wrapped like a vise around Jun's chest and was mumbling a string of nonsense against Jun's navel. "Aiba, knock it off! I have a splitting headache, and I had this ridiculous dream that Yamapi was my captain and punched me in the shoulder a lot."

Date: 2007-02-11 01:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darkeyedwolf.livejournal.com
MOUSE

I JUST HAVE TO COMMENT BEFORE I READ

TO SAY THAT YOU ARE INSANE

AND I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE

Date: 2007-02-11 02:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darkeyedwolf.livejournal.com
oh my god you have lost your mind and my review for this fic will be what finally brings the men in white coats but SOMEHOW I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO CARE. I AM GOING TO SEE TEGO'S FACE IN MY SLEEP TONIGHT.

"Morning?" the interloper slurred, cracking one eye open and looking Aiba over

The INTERLOPER I am going to cry over that to my GRAVE which is AWFULLY CLOSE CONSIDERING HOW MANY TIMES YOU SLAYED ME IN, WHAT, A THOUSAND WORDS.

And it had definitely been Jun that had woke him up at three in the morning to 'punish' him for stealing blankets.

TEARS. TEARS, MOUSE.

"Ohno," Aiba plead in a panicked whisper, "I need to talk to you right now."

Mouse! Where is my captain! I demand my captain. Don't judge my kinks.

Ohno blinked a few times, because it was first thing in the morning and because he was Ohno

HAHA I have that exact line in one of my unfinished Arashi fics. "Because he's Ohno." I think it should be the catch-all for everything having to do with him; excuses, justification, states of undress -- he's Ohno.

"And Aiba went home with Jun last night, right?" Ohno continued, then patted Aiba again as if everything was fixed. "Then that must be Jun!"

OH MY GOD OHNO IS SHINJI.

After a second, Tego noticed them and yelled "GOOD MORNING!" with a big smile.

GOD. AM I RIGHT IN THINKING THIS IS THE ONLY THING TEGO EVER SAYS IN THIS FIC, 'CAUSE IT'S DOING NOTHING TO DISPEL THE IMAGE OF TEGO AS A CUTE CHEERFUL PERMED LITTLE FURBY FROM HELL.

Jun loves plums

There is joke here, I just know it.

"Jun loves plums, and I know that because I am his boyfriend, and that is NOT my boyfriend, ERGO that is NOT JUN."

Aiba-logic is almost as beautiful and terrifying as Ohno-logic, except somehow it's WORSE, because if AIBA if the voice of reason and sanity then SOMETHING'S SERIOUSLY WRONG THERE. LIKE TEGO.

"There, there, Ai-chan." Nino hugged Aiba, rubbing soothing circles on Aiba's back, and Aiba burst into tears.

*dies*

He picks out the plums from his salad and likes Ohno's new pullover and hasn't tried to stick his hands in my back pockets all day!

f;lksdjfl;dkfkldl;fkd;fk I want to hire you to do nothing but write fic and watch jpop videos all day, IS THIS GOOD FOR YOU Y/Y

"AND," Aiba pointed a finger right at the imposter, "he's not nearly GAY ENOUGH."

BEST. LINE. EVER.

"I'll do everything backwards!" Aiba said when he was alone in his apartment. "Everything I did this morning, I'll do in reverse, and that'll fix everything."

*rolls around on the floor* You have got Aiba DOWN except I still believe he'd just roll with the Jun stunt double, like, WELL OKAY! HELLO TEGOSHI-CHAN! DO YOU LIKE BLOWJOBS, JUN SAYS MINE ARE GREAT re-doing everything backwards ljdfkldfjkldk I LOVE YOU. I LOVE AIBA. I DON'T LOVE SCARY FACE-EATING BODY-STEALING TEGO.

and the other holding up the issue of Myojo with the pink spread of NewS

I LOVE THAT THIS SHOOT HAS BECOME THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE EVIL.

I had this ridiculous dream that Yamapi was my captain and punched me in the shoulder a lot.

MARRY ME.

Date: 2007-02-11 02:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
BEST COMMENT EVAR *rolls around in it*

That shoot is evil. EVIL. :[] :[] :[]

and you should totally write the blanket-stealing punishment. Mmmm.

f;lksdjfl;dkfkldl;fkd;fk I want to hire you to do nothing but write fic and watch jpop videos all day, IS THIS GOOD FOR YOU Y/Y
omfg if only that could be my job *WISHES REALLY FUCKING HARD*

Date: 2007-02-11 02:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gimmick-game.livejournal.com
OMG! YAY!! *dies and rereads*

*dies again*



w-in.!!!! utter w-in.!!

Date: 2007-02-11 02:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
hehehehe, thank you! I've just been broken, is all.

Date: 2007-02-11 02:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] swtjemz.livejournal.com
jf;dasfja;lfkja;lfkja;sfkj;asfkja;fj




Your Aiba is so adorable. *_* You should definately write more in the ARASHI fandom. In particular Ohmiya. Because Ohmiya is <3 and snuggly like that.

Date: 2007-02-11 02:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 1anonymous1.livejournal.com
Jun! Arashi! Fic! Crack!

Date: 2007-02-11 04:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] erinlin.livejournal.com
I have no idea who these people are, but that is the funniest thing I have read all day. ^_^

(also, I friended you the other day, guess I should say hello. So... Hi!)

Date: 2007-02-11 04:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
♥♥♥♥ Ohmiya is sooooo cute, yus.

hee, thank you!!

Date: 2007-02-11 04:02 am (UTC)

Date: 2007-02-11 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
hi! Welcome aboard.

These are all members of Arashi, a Johnny's Entertainment band who've been around since 1999. [livejournal.com profile] darkeyedwolf spent all yesterday making me watch all 21 of their videos in a row, no doubt hoping that something exactly like this would happen.

Date: 2007-02-11 05:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darkeyedwolf.livejournal.com
(She totally asked for it.)

Date: 2007-02-11 09:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] snowqueenofhoth.livejournal.com
Not so familiar with Arashi (I think I can tell them apart? Maybe?), but this fic was hysterical.
And scary?
Because omg, don't you HATE when that happens to you and the world thinks you're crazy? So frustrating. >_<
I'm feeling bad for poor Aiba.

Date: 2007-02-11 10:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alita-b-angel.livejournal.com
BUT.

EYEBROWS. JUN'S EYEBROWS. They PWN Tego's eyebrows. Unless Ohno will be all, "Hey Jun... did you pluck your eyebrows?"

Tego: "Every day! *smile smile*"

*tiny shudder*

Also, Yamapi and Jun together in the same band makes me die and die. Johnny should totally do this, SWAP BAND MEMBERS FOR A DAY. But alas, not many havethe CRAZY GENIUS that clearly drives your mind.

Date: 2007-02-11 02:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wintersjuly.livejournal.com
OMG - OMG ALJSLAKJSLJAS - I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MY UTTER AND COMPLETE JOY AT THIS FIC BUT CLEARLY WITH ALL THIS CAPSLOCKING I'M GOING TO DAMNED WELL TRY.

THIS -THIS IS AMAZING AND UTTERLY AIBA AND CRACKTASTIC AND OMG, TEGO, TEGO - HE NEVER SAYS MORE THAN ONE LINE, BUT IT'S ONE HELL OF AN AMAZING LINE. ♥ AND JUN'S NOT REALLY IN IT AT ALL, BUT SO CLEARLY GAY AND THERE ADALJSLAJSKLAJS - AND OHNO, OH OHNO *DIES*

And ahahahaha, don't we all do the same thing when we encounter jpop boys by the bucketload? I seriously called everyone Not-Yamapi-But-Maybe-One-Of-His-Numerous-Bandmates for weeks and weeks, but of course, I'm not genius enough to fic form it! ♥

To say that I'm pleased that Wolfie dragged you into Arashi is like saying that the ocean's a decent size, meaning OMG, PLEASE SAY YOUR NOT LEAVING ARASHI'S GAY BEHIND AFTER ONE HELL OF AN AMAZING FIC *_____*

ALSO, I LOVE YOU ♥

Date: 2007-02-11 06:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
I've only known them for like two days, so we're on the same page (I can really only pick out Jun 100% of the time).

And Aiba is so very very cute. Thanks so much!

Date: 2007-02-11 06:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
Yes, the core of the humor is that Jun and Tego truly look nothing alike, aside from being japanese and having big hair. THAT'S WHY I FAIL SO MUCH.

would that not be the most hilarious TV show, where every week they swapped members of two different bands? I think that idea is made of win.

Thanks! and also, that icon is freaking hysterical.

Date: 2007-02-11 06:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
*dies* this is a glorious glorious comment, and ilu.

Aiba is SO ADORABLE. And Jun somehow turned into my favorite because he was the only one i could pick out >_> all these people look alike! And wolf takes a lot of delight in my pain. It's all highlighted by the fact that I have NO IDEA WHAT TEGO IS LIKE, but somehow apparently managed him perfectly. *facepalms*

I'm sure if KAT-TUN can get half a dozen fics out of me, Arashi has a pretty good chance too ^_^ thank you so much!

Date: 2007-02-13 05:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redonthefly.livejournal.com
Completely unrelated to this post...BUT. I saw your name on [livejournal.com profile] legomymalfoy's Love Meme (http://legomymalfoy.livejournal.com/516174.html), and got hooked on your MWPP era HP fics.

*friends*

I haven't laughed so hard in a very long time. True Colors is my favorite, I think. :D

Date: 2007-02-13 07:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed all that. Welcome aboard!

Date: 2007-02-14 12:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] candy-future.livejournal.com
Sent here by Wolfie ... AND DUDE! WTF IS TEGOSHI DOING IN THAT PICTURE?! I was so confused and I thought I was seeing things or maybe Tego was just haunting me in my laptop DDDDD: It was so traumatic!

But this! This makes everything so A++ again! The fic is wonderful and I am laughing so hard right now ... albeit still in a slightly confused manner.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥!!

Date: 2007-02-14 02:46 am (UTC)
ext_57304: () tego nibbling)
From: [identity profile] mananeh.livejournal.com
XDDDD

That's hilarious! Both the fic, and the whole mix-up.

Date: 2007-02-14 05:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
Heeee, Tego is just a symbol for my shame at this point :[]

but i'm glad you enjoyed the fic! Aiba is so cute.

Date: 2007-02-14 05:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mousapelli.livejournal.com
haha, thank you! It never fails that that first thing I do in any new fandom is to humiliate myself utterly.

Glad you enjoyed it!

Date: 2008-01-03 10:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ayisse.livejournal.com
Ahaha omg so this is what you were talking about *dies with shame*

I AM GOING THROUGH YOUR WHOLE FICLIST TONIGHT :D Like a stalker, yes

Date: 2008-04-29 07:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] salwaphoenix.livejournal.com
first coat west, then my jun-crack fic.. *nearly faints*

nearly faints cuz i need to stay awake to read more (i see another jun fic in the list XD) and this is oh-so-funny-shiny-rainbow arashi cracky fic XD

JunAibaka should be in this world more ^^

this is the perfect fluffy stuff i need for my calculus-reading motivation~

off to read more XD

Date: 2009-02-05 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phantom115.livejournal.com
WAAAHHHH

so cute!

aibaka :P

Date: 2009-02-24 03:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] slashedsilver.livejournal.com
OMG. KILLED.

Date: 2010-08-16 12:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fancyann1974.livejournal.com
just to cute for words
thank you so much for sharing

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