Dear Universe: I give up, okay? You can stop trying so hard.

[mousapelli]

So my mother calls tonight, after i finally manage to get home and haven't even been there long enough to plug in my computer, and in my weakened and exhausted state, I get talked over into going over to my parents' neighbors' house to play Bunko (it's a dice game) because they are short a person. I show up, and my mother comments about my brother coming home, and I'm like, what's he home for? Since my parents are spending all tomorrow at a wedding for a person my dad used to work with.

mom: "oh, just a wedding."
me: "He's going with you? to the...wait you said A wedding."
mom: *makes some noises*
me: "you didn't say to THE wedding, you said to A wedding. He's going to a different one than you?"
mom: ".....yes...."
me: "Whose? Why are you being so weird?"
mom: "...............it's [your ex-boyfriend]'s wedding."
me: "i see. you weren't going to mention that at all, were you, nobody was even going to tell me."
mom: "i didn't want to! you kept asking!"

I guess it's worth mentioning at this point that in the whole world, there's only been one guy willing to date me, and only then because we'd both been broken up with by the same girl in high school, and he wasn't exactly emotional stable, like that time he spent a whole semester locked in his college dorm room and refused to come out. So eventually I broke it off because it wasn't exactly a good time and I figured, you know, I'm only 20, I can do better than this. only now it's 9 years later and I have dated exactly zero other people and as it turns out he is getting married tomorrow.

so apparently I could not in fact do better, and the most upsetting thing about it, I think, is that I'm even in a state right now where it is upsetting. motherfucker I am so sick of how as soon as I start to feel just a little bit less depressed, something else ridiculous goes down. I suck, okay? I get it. I really need the universe to just back off already and quit re-proving it, just for a couple weeks at least.

Comments

[timeripple.livejournal.com]

Bah, universe. *goes to find you on iChat*

[puppeteer8.livejournal.com]

*hugs* From what you say, it sounds like you did the right thing in break off the relationship. I know it can be depressing sometimes when you see people around you getting married and having children.

Also, our society makes it seem as if succeeding in life equalled "good job+good house+car+marriage+kids", and you feel like you're a failure if you don't manage to get the whole package, especially when time passes and you remain single and your relatives and friends keep bringing up the subject.

But really, when you think about it, how many couples do you know who truly love each other and are still happy after several years of marriage. I think love does exist, and happiness in marriage is also possible, but there's more in life than that, and some people can be happy even if they don't get the whole package. ;)

In fact, I'd say that people who obsess with trying to have the whole package often end up feeling sour and living a life they're not happy with.

[fantomeq.livejournal.com]

Ugh. *Lots of hugs* It doesn't sound like he was a keeper, and most of us married people spend a lot of time fantasizing about being single. It's totally normal to be upset though. *More hugs*

[elij-0650.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you feel sad about this.
I really appreciate you, your determination, your many skills and style.

When I feel down I read Chaotic butterfly and all the other Nano books because they make me laugh and cry and feel good.
I wish I could write something half as good that might make you smile.

After 20 years of being married to the only bloke who was willing to date me (who also suffered from depression) I couldn't write coherently or speak without impediment and had no feeling of self worth. It has taken nearly 10 years to get over the emotional trauma.

Count your blessings and say a prayer for the poor soul he is marrying.